A Typical Self Talk

I want to completely accept who I am. It does not mean that I want to be satisfied with the status quo and keep one eye shut on my shortcomings. It just means that I want to truly believe that I am good enough, yet I can always make effort to become better. But first of all, I have to completely accept who I am right now.

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It is so hard.

From time to time, I feel ashamed of who I am, get trapped in the deep sense of guilt for things I’ve done, beat myself up for reasons I cannot even justify. I am not religious so I confess to and seek forgiveness from my inner critical and judgmental self. But that’s not enough. My self-worth consists of my own opinion of myself and others opinion of me. I learned to ignore most of the outside noises but I still couldn’t let go of them all. Society judges. It is just how it is. Sometimes I find peace with all the judgments and other times I drive myself crazy.

I know if I believe I am worthy, I won’t be hurt or impacted by whatever external judgments come in my way. But because I haven’t truly owned it, they feed all my shame and insecurity. Naturally, I constantly need to prove to others that I am worthy of love and belonging.

The feeling of not being enough haunts me. I am afraid that others might discover the “truth” and find out that I am a fraud. That’s why I sometimes just choose to put on a mask and facade. Because it is just easier to pretend to be confident and enough than to go through the soul-searching process and find out the healthier but harder way to really tackle the problem.

I guess self-doubt is not always a bad thing because it can keep me skeptical and alert. But it becomes dangerous when I start asking questions like “Am I crazy?” This got me stuck and made the healing process almost impossible.

For a long time, it never occurred to me that I could ask a different question “Am I just having normal human emotions?” Sometimes just knowing that I am not the only one gives me incredible power and peace of mind. Other times, however, I actually feel so much better and relieved to make myself believe that I have some sort of condition because as bad as self-diagnose can be, it gives me a way out and stops me from self-loathing.

I don’t know where all those negative emotions are coming from. I know I was given unconditional love throughout my life but somehow was not taught how to love myself unconditionally. I realized that they are surprisingly two very different processes. It is troublesome because the more unconditional love I receive, the more doubtful I become about why I deserve all this love? I did not understand the importance of cultivating self-love and self-worth until now I found out that I really had to.

My dear family and friends. Please do not worry about me when you read this. I am just sharing a typical self-talk to let myself be seen and show the world that vulnerability is not a weakness. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and it helps me to be true to who I am. I believe that for this reason alone, I am gaining more self-awareness and building more self-love.

2 thoughts on “A Typical Self Talk

  1. Anu Modi July 9, 2018 / 12:25 am

    It’s not easy task to talk about your own flaws,it need a lot of courage but u did it..
    Proud of u..n.. love u..💕

    Liked by 2 people

    • Melody August 15, 2018 / 2:25 pm

      Yeah. People do not talk about it enough. It makes sense to show only the happy and shinning side of our life with others, sometimes because we do not want others to worry about us and drag them down with us, and sometimes because we do not think they will understand. Then we tend to keep things to ourselves until the emotions accumulate to a certain point that burst the bubble… People should be encouraged to share more, even if it is negative thoughts. Because the mere act of putting it out there will make them feel instantly much better.

      Like

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