I want to completely accept who I am. It does not mean that I want to be satisfied with the status quo and keep one eye shut on my shortcomings. It just means that I want to truly believe that I am good enough, yet I can always make effort to become better. But first of all, I have to completely accept who I am right now.
It is so hard.
From time to time, I feel ashamed of who I am, get trapped in the deep sense of guilt for things I’ve done, beat myself up for reasons I cannot even justify. I am not religious so I confess to and seek forgiveness from my inner critical and judgmental self. But that’s not enough. My self-worth consists of my own opinion of myself and others opinion of me. I learned to ignore most of the outside noises but I still couldn’t let go of them all. Society judges. It is just how it is. Sometimes I find peace with all the judgments and other times I drive myself crazy.
I know if I believe I am worthy, I won’t be hurt or impacted by whatever external judgments come in my way. But because I haven’t truly owned it, they feed all my shame and insecurity. Naturally, I constantly need to prove to others that I am worthy of love and belonging.
The feeling of not being enough haunts me. I am afraid that others might discover the “truth” and find out that I am a fraud. That’s why I sometimes just choose to put on a mask and facade. Because it is just easier to pretend to be confident and enough than to go through the soul-searching process and find out the healthier but harder way to really tackle the problem.
I guess self-doubt is not always a bad thing because it can keep me skeptical and alert. But it becomes dangerous when I start asking questions like “Am I crazy?” This got me stuck and made the healing process almost impossible.
For a long time, it never occurred to me that I could ask a different question “Am I just having normal human emotions?” Sometimes just knowing that I am not the only one gives me incredible power and peace of mind. Other times, however, I actually feel so much better and relieved to make myself believe that I have some sort of condition because as bad as self-diagnose can be, it gives me a way out and stops me from self-loathing.
I don’t know where all those negative emotions are coming from. I know I was given unconditional love throughout my life but somehow was not taught how to love myself unconditionally. I realized that they are surprisingly two very different processes. It is troublesome because the more unconditional love I receive, the more doubtful I become about why I deserve all this love? I did not understand the importance of cultivating self-love and self-worth until now I found out that I really had to.
My dear family and friends. Please do not worry about me when you read this. I am just sharing a typical self-talk to let myself be seen and show the world that vulnerability is not a weakness. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and it helps me to be true to who I am. I believe that for this reason alone, I am gaining more self-awareness and building more self-love.